Someone recently said to me, ' i can't see it through your eyes' and i realised that it was true, he couldn't. I realised a few things about myself that night, that I dont need people to make me happy and that i'm fine on my own. I also realised that he was a complete bastard who manipulated me to try and sleep with me.In the end it overcome him and he was eaten up with guilt. EVen though he wouldn't admit , that was the reason. Now that same bloke has blocked me and wont talk to me. And the last thing i said to him was dont leave me i need you. how pathetic is that.
God i never EVER felt so whiney and needy in all my life.
Ah well, suppose it's all life's lessons well learnt in experience. i'd reather learn from my own mistakes than not to live a life and learn from the mistakes of others. If you ask me making the mistakes in life, is half of living your life. If you don make the mistakes you dont learn from them, and as wise and all powerfuly knowing my parents seem to be, for some reason, i always doubt them and do what i want, maybe it's ecause i want my own experiences, i dont want to be one of these people who has only storys to tell about other people. However i dont want to constantly talk about myself.
Although, is talking about yourself, not the point of a blog/journel.
HMM... so it's through MY eyes is it ? Not quite sure where to go from here, suppose i took the big step in signing up for it, never thought i would be one of these people who sit's on a computor and types out their feelings and what they had for breakfast today, bu there i am, typing away to who?
I dont think i have that much to say, but when i type , it seems like i could type away thoughts i didn't even think i had. I always say to my counciler, i dont do anger or hate. But maybe subconsiasly i do. Maybe i hide it so far down that i dont want to think about it, maybe i feel hate and anger so much that i dont want it to consume me. SO i hide from it ? would that make sence? Is it possible. . . ?
It's a question that everyone asks themselves every day . And if i'm honest, i can't just accept that i wasn't the product of some drunken over passonate night alone. I dont think i was ment for now, today. I think i'm before my time... Or if not, too old for my age. Everyone has always said that I am too wise to be 15. No one ever thinks i'm 15 when they first meet me, and i get on better with older people than i do my own peers. Which makes it difficult in school, it get's lonely, i'm paranoid too. SO i'm pretty sure that everyone who says hey, is only paying me lip service ( a very cool phrase of which i learnt of my aunt , who is frequently saying the world is paying her lip service and that they all hate her) ...
I dont think i could have actualy been a normal child, even if i had have wanted to be, my mum's an ageing hippy , my dad doesn't talk to me, my aunt's constantly depressed my nan's always ill my grandad is ...well...words can not describe my grandad, although all i can say is he remindes me alot of my uncle, and trust me words can not describe him etiher. My mum had a kidney transplant and my nan has a bad heart( sometimes i thank god i'm not genetically related to these people!) but at the end of the day whatever happens, those people above, they are my only true freinds, and even though it might not always seem like it, i know they are the ones that i can always turn to when things turna a little bit rough. And i love them , each and every one of them, so you see, i couldn't possibly have been a normal perosn even if i had have wanted to be.
I dont want to be me though, i know that, i dont know who or what i want to be, but anyone is better than me. I'm fat and ugly, and even if it wasn't what's on the outside that counts, i'm a horrible meaningles person who has an awful heart. Everyone else dissagree's, but that's because they dont see me the way that i do. They can't see it through MY eyes. Which is quite often better, because they'd be just as mad and confused as i am right about now, although i'm sure i'm not as messed up as some and more messed up than others, and equally as mesed up compaired to others.
And no! I'm not 'just' a teenager, my emotions and feelings are 'just' because i'm 'going through that' part of my life. I'm still a person , and i dont think it's fair to judge me because i was born when i was and i have a teen on the end of my age. It's only numbers, they dont bother me. The worst thing is when you have a stomache ache in school, and the school nurse says , 'is it your time of month love?'
So... New Years resoloutions, well what can i say? What can i resoloute to , that i know i will keep. To work harder? To be a better person? To be a tidier person...how can i change what i am to something i'm not.
